Lately there have been so many protests and rallies and calls for "truth, justice and accountability." I myself was at a rally a few days ago. It was a middle-class led initiative, judging from our swanky press conference venue (read:Anabel's at Tomas Morato) and our motley crew composed of lawyers, doctors, engineers, writers, artists, etc. The movement, named L.E.A.D.E.R.S. for Change, called for the resignation of GMA and Noli as well as a snap election. The name LEADERS by the way, is an acronym for Lawyers, Engineers, Artists, Doctors, etc etc. You get the drift. Those present were handing out flyers, waving placards and banners and urging motorists to honk their horns in support for that elusive "truth and justice." Several cars did honk and many people lowered their windows to get a flyer. That show of support, I suppose, came from the fact that the people braving the midday sun and the sweltering heat were not your typical professional rallyist. They were Americana and barong-clad lawyers and doctors and they looked every inch your typical middle, if not upper class, citizens.

There was one guy, however, who wasn't so supportive. He did lower his window, but only to give us the finger. Yes, he flipped us off. I was shocked, as I've never encountered such downright animosity in rallies before. He really cut other cars just so he could display that long, ring-bound finger of his in its fully glory. I think one of the lawyers smiled and tried to hand out a flyer.

I guess that's one sentiment these days, regardless of how many these movements are now. And yes, part of me, one teeny tiny part of me, understands, if not shares, that sentiment.

I'm tired too. I'm tired of the same old rhetoric (Niyuyurakan na nila ang ating pagkatao! Sobra na! Oras na upang ibalik ang dangal ng Pilipino!) and sometimes, just sometimes, I can't help but feel apprehensive every time I hear of a new rally, or a new movement. I can't help but raise an eyebrow as I watch high school kids and college kids, kids not much younger than me, all raring to march out in the streets in protest.

I KNOW I KNOW I have no right to complain. It's not as if I've sacrificed so much fulfilling my civic duties. I've only been to several rallies, sure. I'm not even an active member of Akbayan anymore and even when I was, the most I did was hand out flyers and condoms as part of the campaign during the election season.

I do think, however, I've felt so much for this country. Again of course that doesn't set me apart from the rest of the population who also care about this country. It's just that sometimes I feel so much I wonder if that's where this negativity is coming from. Or maybe I just feel that I FEEL too much when in reality it's just in my head. In grad school, we learn about capitalism and the structures that trigger social inequality. Whenever I go to the areas for my field work, I see how such concepts operate in real life and I get even more concerned. Either way, it becomes very difficult not to dismiss the little things. The little things are sometimes just that, little things. I sometimes cringe when I hear people celebrate that as if that's what really matters. We may pay our taxes right, follow traffic rules, avoid bribery, be a good citizen. Meanwhile the big things go on. Some structures will always oppress the poor and the poor as the good Bible says, will always be there. Some things just never change in life.

Maybe deep down I'm just one of the people I'm starting to dislike. Sometimes I wonder, as I look at the people marching on the streets, yeah you do something now, when it's so goddamn popular to be out on the streets and urging people to honk their horns. There has always been injustice and poverty. What have we been doing all this time? I for one have been enjoying the comforts of my middle-class existence. It's not something I'm proud of but it's not something I want to apologize for either. So what then does that make me. I too, have gone to rallies and protested against this and that. I've volunteered for this cause and that and I've spoken about concepts of which I have not the faintest idea. Concepts like poverty, injustice, even truth. Truth! I hate to be postmodernist and all that brouhaha, but what is the truth? Some people's versions of the truth are just as warped as the truth they are railing against. And really, what do we know about injustice? Or accountability? I don't know, but I've joined rallies demanding that. Sometimes, no most of the time, I feel like a poseur. I have this sinister feeling some people, especially this generation, actually enjoy having something to fight against. Why MUST we have our own Marcos? Is it our youth that makes us always thirsty for something big to fight against?I don't know.

Maybe things have become so predictable in the country. I was with the Sumilao farmers when they came here and now they've been banished to oblivion once again. They're not in the papers that much anymore and nobody knows what's going on with them. It's so predictable, this cycle of caring and not caring. It's not helped either by our propensity to forget so easily. There are other, bigger fish, to worry about now, like this explosive Jun Lozada expose. As Mr.Lozada decries, what will become of him after he is out of the public scrutiny? Indeed, what will become of this issue? I have a feeling life will once again return to normal. Well, normal for the rest of us. Abnormal and inhuman for the rest of society. That's partly what makes me tired.

I do wish with all my heart I could muster the fire and passion some of the people have. Even if it's just a momentary spark of inspiration that drives some of them to form groups and movements, like the one Harvey Keh is spreading, Team RP, I wish I do have that. Invitations are pouring in to join this press conference and that, to join this rally or this movement. Right now, my concern really is my thesis and finishing this Master's degree so I can finally work and become a dutiful taxpayer. That's all I can do and want to do and whether that's good enough for now or not, I don't really know.

Big Ideas
Lawrence Raab

I read the papers and think about hatred:
and the way ideas, especially big ideas,
look more and more like excuses for hatred.
Once hatred sets you free
you can turn to it when you need it,
but after a while, if you have a knife
or a gun, more guys on your side,
you don't need it, and you destroy the village
because you can, because it's in your way.
Every morning: more reports of suffering.
It's terrible, we say, it's awful.
But we can hear how brittle
and abstract that sounds. It's terrible
to know about it. Where is the idealism
of my youth? Where was it
even then? All around us
the war we were trying to avoid kept pressing in,
and kids like me were getting stoned and listening
to Jimi Hendrix and The Doors and then
walking off into the jungle and dying.
I don't feel guilty for refusing to fight.
I don't feel good about it either.
And I think even then I knew too many

different things to learn to hate so purely
it could have swept me cleanly and completely
out of myself. Perhaps that's what
civilization means, knowing too much
to be able to feel only one way.
But who hasn't imagined
committing some unforgivable act?
What does it prove that most of us don't?
We watch the news, we read the papers,
afraid, sometimes, of what we understand.